Voices in my Heart: Missin Him Badly...

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Missin Him Badly...

In my room now, alone.
Whenever it gets quiet, I'll start thinking... Thinking too much i guess... But I cant help it...

Missing someone realli badly...
He is my father, my beloved father...
He had left me, few months ago... But memories of everything is still veri clear... Too clear...

It started in december last year...from a simple backache... And it ended on the 20th Feb 2005 when he took his last breath...

Everything tt happen on that fateful day is still veri fresh in my memory...

I stayed overnite in the hospital with my younger sis. At around 3am, the doctor from the ICU asked to see me. He told me that condition has worsened (again). I asked if I need ask my mom over. He said no (I was relieved). But at 5am, he asked me over again. This time, he asked me to get my family over asap. My heart practically stop beating at tt moment. We have had a long time to get mentally prepared. We knew this day would come... But I didnt expected it to come so soon! I asked my sister to call my mom over while I went in to accompany my dad...

I told my dad tt we muz be strong, tt he muz endure... Assured him that mom n bro are on their way alreadi. I was so scared... But i held back my tears. I dunwan him to worry. I want him to leave in peace. I hold his hand, stroke his face, tell him tt I'll be with him to fight this war. Doesnt matter what's the outcome, we must be strong til the last minute. 'Promise me, papa?' He nodded briefly. A tear slide down his cheek. I couldnt take it anymore. So went out to get my sis in to accompany Pa while i call other relatives...

Everyone arrived within the next few hours. I was exhausted from crying. I couldnt eat, couldnt think. I felt miserable. Never had I feel this bad before!

I juz sat at one corner. All memories of me n Pa flash thru my head... Talkin to him, him drivin me to NUS, him comin all e way to NUS juz to be my computer loan gurantor, fetchin me back from hostel when i was sick or when i need bring lots of things home, discussin tv shows... I dunwan to lose my Pa. He is so wonderful. Despite his sufferings as a kidney patient, he nv complain or gif up. Instead, he appreciate life even more. He is my idol!

Then we started prayin by his bedside... For hours... Relatives, frens...all bid their last farewell to him... I felt unwell, perhaps due to hunger or lack of slp. But seeing how strong my mother and brother are, I couldnt allow myself to be weak! And the fateful moment came... At 2.55pm, Pa took his last breath... It was veri peaceful...when he left...

Things tt happen in the next few days were in a blur... Funeral, praying and exhaustion...

Now, I still miss my father badly. Cried when I think bout him. I know I'd promised Pa I'll be strong... But sometimes, I couldnt control my emotions... Didnt want my family or frens to worry... Really thankful for all the encouragement from them... Even my JC tutors who came... It realli meant alot to me when they came n showed concern...

Things will never be the same again... All I can do is to spend more time wif my family... Life is SO fragile... I guess I realli need to appreciate life more, like Pa.

Pa, you will alwayz live in my heart. I promise you... I'll be strong! At least I'll try to... Okie?

Voices in my Heart

Missin Him Badly...

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